So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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