you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
