Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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