So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
