for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
