I think I won the penis lottery.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
