is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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