I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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