Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I enjoy the company of your penis
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