he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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