Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
