it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
