On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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