When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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