You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
