But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
