guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
