Barsexuality is the new black.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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