WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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