The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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