About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
