My hand turned me down
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
