the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
