Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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