We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
