Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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