dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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