yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
