Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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