I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
God, I missed his penis.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
