never play flip cup with pint glasses
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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