After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
