so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
