Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
