There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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