i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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