Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
