Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
