My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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