he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
