He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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