dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
