Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
