he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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