We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
