If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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