I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
