i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
