im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
