Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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