Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
